Thirty-something speaks
Cable guilt

Mike Maddock

Some elementary school-age neighborhood kids came into my house some time ago. I noticed them looking in the direction of my television with a sort of bewildered look on their faces. They were staring at my TV as if they had never seen one before, so I tried to find out what had them so befuddled.

The oldest one looked at me and asked in all sincerity, "What is that thing on top of your TV?"

I responded thinking what an odd question to ask, "A couple of VCR tapes, some DVDs, and a remote control."

"No! Not those," they shot back in unison. "What is that metal thing?"

"Do you mean the antenna?" I asked.

"Yeah, is that for a radio?"

"No," I said. "It's for the TV."

That seemed to confuse them even more, and then they asked, "Do you get some special channels with that?"

"No, I get the four networks and PBS," I said starting to realize what was going on.

After some more back and forth, it occurred to me these kids had never seen a television that didn't have cable. The fact I was getting a signal through anything other than some wires exiting a wall was entirely foreign to them. It didn't matter that radio worked much the same way. TV was supposed to come from a cable, not through the air.

I believe it would have been easier to convince these kids I was a hugely professional singer in Belgium with three platinum albums than to explain life before and without cable television.

"What's a network? Is that like channel 823? I love the Cartoon Network. Do you get that with your antenna?"

I gave up trying to explain when they started asking me if my antenna got the squiggly channels...the ones that make all the strange groaning noises.

My family and I lived without cable television for quite some time and even if we confused the heck out of our neighborhood kids, we've taken pride in the fact we could live with five channels and a lot of static. Sure, we spent a lot of time adjusting that antenna just to watch a really bad sitcom or two, and my friends may have gotten sick of me bumming their living rooms for their ESPN, but my checkbook sure appreciated not having that one extra bill a month.

There is honor in sacrificing the vast world of entertainment in cable television for a handful of fuzzy channels. My wife and I puffed up our chests when we explained to our peers and a few kids that we were able to live without MTV, TNT, and a host of sappy movie channels.

But, I am ashamed to say we can no longer puff up our chests. Soon our own kids will forget the times we jiggled the antenna just to catch the end of Barney, because we now are among the billions of normal people with 77-plus channels. We've entered the world of cable television, and I'm afraid there's no going back. Our honor has been sacrificed for Gameday and endless nights of Law and Order . We have our MTV and something called WE (or Women's Entertainment).

My wife and I actually felt a little guilty we had sold out for the O'Reilly Factor and Larry King , but then a funny thing happened when the Florida/Auburn game came on ESPN. The guilt was replaced with glee, and suddenly I could not remember what an antenna looked like.