Thirty-something speaks
Is variety really the spice of life?
Mike Maddock

My wife thinks I'm an idiot, because I can't ever pick up anything from the grocery store without getting it wrong. But in my defense, an innocent trip to the grocery store just isn't what it used to be. There was a time when a simple man like me could stroll to the meat section and grab a pack of bacon without incident. That's not possible anymore. Even bacon has become unbelievably complicated.

They say variety is the spice of life, but for a guy like me, variety can be downright horrifying. Bacon is about as simple as it gets. It's a good ol' slice of some part of a pig that goes with just about everything. People eat it with breakfast, crumple it up on salads, stick it in a sandwich with some lettuce and tomato, or slab it on a big juicy cheeseburger. Bacon can almost qualify as a staple in the South. and I'm pretty sure it does at most Hardee's restaurants.

Bacon is simple - and I like it that way. That's why I gladly volunteered to pick up some at the store the other day. When I got there, I realized just how complicated the bacon world has become.

I was proud of myself for locating the correct aisle. I grabbed a package of bacon but was a little confused when I noticed the maple-flavored banner across the front. Syrup from pancakes had occasionally found its way to the bacon on my plate, but I was not aware someone had made a flavor of it. now. So I put that pack down and reached for another. This time the bacon was thick cut. Again, I was ignorant to this new pork variety and had no idea there were different gauges of bacon. So I tried again. Low sodium. Again. Hickory smoked. Again. Center cut. Is there a left and right cut? Then there was mesquite, fully cooked, and microwave ready. What in the world was happening here?

I just wanted a little bacon to go with my grits, and suddenly I discovered there are more varieties of bacon than there are automobiles. I could have probably found a cut of pig that sang Ol' MacDonald and cooked itself! What I couldn't find anywhere was just plain old, original bacon. I settled on the low sodium, which I guessed was about as close to normal as I was going to find.

Variety is the spice of life, but life could be a whole lot less complicated without all this variety. You have to have a Ph.D. to order a cup of coffee these days. Pine-Sol comes in five different scents, all of which smell like...well, Pine-Sol, but that doesn't stop them from complicating cleaning.

Even milk comes in five different fat percentages and several varieties including soybean and acidophilus. I don't know what an acidophilus is, but I know it has no place in my milk. This is the kind of stuff that leads to communist revolutions.

They may have stood in line for a long time in the old Soviet Union, but at least they knew what they were getting. OK, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but low sodium, hickory smoked maple bacon with a glass of soy milk is completely un-American to me.

Mike@TheColumbiaStar.com