Thirty- something speaks
Lemonade with a warning label

Mike Maddock

I've come to the conclusion when I reach the ripe old age of 40 three years from now I'm going to quit worrying about my appearance. I'll throw away the nose hair trimmer and don a pair of black socks and Birkenstocks any time I'm at the beach. Most of all, I'm going to give up the silly idea I'm ever going to be in shape again. I'll quit doing sit- ups, jogging, and stressing over those nightly trips to the freezer for the chocolate chip Breyers.

I figure at age 40 they'll be plenty of stuff to worry about other than crunches; like regular trips to those sadistic, rubber- gloved doctors, and words like fiber, dysfunction, and anything beginning with the prefix "male pattern." Until then I'm going to fight like heck to stay somewhat fit and hide the unusual growths. I might as well enter my forties looking like a man slightly prepared rather than one that's already given up, even if I'm the only that thinks so.

That's why, when I heard Ellen DeGeneres talking about the Master Cleanse diet on her show with Beyonce Knowles, I was intrigued. Now some would say I've got bigger issues to deal with than ear hair if I've got time to watch Ellen and Beyonce discuss weight loss, but that's beside the point. Apparently both Ellen and Beyonce lost a bunch of weight drinking lemonade. I wanted to know what this was all about since I was in the infant stages of yet another New Year's resolution to lose my gut.

My research found the Master Cleanse diet has been around since the '70s, and it is exactly what it claims to be - a way to cleanse your insides, lose weight, and get more energy. The directions are simple: drink a lemonade type concoction consisting of water, lemon juice, syrup, and cayenne pepper all day, an herbal laxative tea at night, and quart of saltwater every morning for ten days. No food of any kind is allowed on the diet and the instruction manual comes with a special word of caution to stay near a bathroom at all times.

I know what you're thinking. Consume ungodly amounts of disgustingly flavored water, spend most of your morning sprinting to the bathroom, and quit eating for ten days. It's a wonder why this diet wasn't more popular. If Ellen and Beyonce could handle it, I figured I could too.

And I did. I didn't eat for 10 days, and I choked down that stuff Ellen and Beyonce so innocently referred to as lemonade. The warnings were justified. I haven't cleansed like that since I decided to eat leftovers from a two- day- old seafood platter back in the summer of '03.

I lost a fair amount of weight on the Master cleanse and, admittedly, my energy level rose dramatically. At least I think it did. I was so hungry the entire time that I did anything and everything to keep my mind off food. That could be construed as energetic or desperation to avoid sitting around and watching the insane amount of Dominos Pizza ads on TV. My wife was thrilled, not with my weight loss, but with my incredible productivity around the house. I accomplished more ironing and cleaning avoiding thoughts of all- you- can- eat buffets, than I had in 11 years of marriage. That's reason enough to suck down that so- called lemonade.

I refuse to worry about any type of cleansing when I'm 40, unless it's medically required. I'll sit on the beach in my black socks and the only lemonade I'll drink will be Country Time. It doesn't come with a warning label.

Mike@TheColumbiaStar.com