Thirty- something speaks
A brilliant mind vs. the Jerry Springer Show
Mike Maddock

My seven- year-- old- daughter is either on the path to becoming a brilliant legal strategist or a guest on the Jerry Springer Show . It's hard to tell at her age, and, of course, there's plenty of middle ground to cover. Sometimes she presents her case as well as Johnny Cochran once did, and other times she just screams in an incomprehensible Southern accent and starts looking for chairs to throw. I guess it just depends how mad she happens to be at her older sister at the time.

If it's early enough in the day and her older sister just started the pestering, and she happens to "accidentally" hit her older sister in the head with a book, then she can almost always calmly justify her actions.

Self- defense is a common strategy because it's tough to dispute. She's 20 pounds lighter than her older sister so even if it weren't self- defense, it's hard to argue against her first- strike mentality.

That cool demeanor usually sets with the sun. The ability to reason heads off to bed, and, if she's provoked, every emotion suppressed during the day explodes out of her head like a cherry bomb. I don't know that I wouldn't be the same way in her situation. She also has a little brother who's three years younger. They get along great and play really well together, but her brother is a boy, and boys are different.

For instance, for no apparent reason, he will just get a notion to run the entire length of the house and barrel straight into her little body knocking her on the floor while she wonders what the heck she did to deserve this.

She is also a red- head, strawberry blonde to be exact. I know it's a cliché, but there's something in those red follicles that gives her a little added pepper. Her anger threshold is pretty high. Once a certain level is reached when the day has worn her down, and her older sister took her Barbie one too many times, and little brother tackled her to the floor yet again, I seriously think her hair gets about three shades of darker red along with her cheeks until she looks kind of like the Heat Miser from those stop- -animation Christmas specials.

That's when she goes all Jerry Springer on us. The head starts bobbing and gyrating. The back of one hand starts slapping the other, and the rebel yell fills the room. My wife and I aren't sure whether to laugh or run for cover.

One thing is for sure whether she's presenting her case or throwing suitcases, my youngest daughter is going to be heard. I completely admire her for that. Despite the transformation into the Heat Miser on occasion, her passion translates mostly to compassion, and her middle child status makes her a natural mediator. If she ends up duking it out on television with Luke the transvestite cowboy then so be it, but I think it's a safer bet she'll end up defending the defenseless in some quiet courtroom assuming she had a good night sleep and her older sister is nowhere around.