Thirty- something speaks
Working for failure is never a good choice
Mike Maddock

Another expert has thrown her hat into the great debate between stay- at- home moms and working mothers. Her name is Leslie Bennetts, and she's written a book called The Feminine Mistake.

Through an interview with Bennetts at iVillage.com and an excerpt from her book I read on NBC's Today Show website I can safely assume Bennetts has concluded mothers who choose to stay at home with their children and forsake their careers are taking a huge financial risk. In the excerpt she uses the sad tale of her grandmother as an example. The grandmother was a hard- core homemaker who never held a paying job and was left destitute when Bennetts' grandfather abandoned her for his mistress. The depression hit, and the grandfather was unable to meet his financial obligations to his ex- wife or his children. Apparently, the grandmother never worked and never gave up hope that her husband would return some day, but she died still waiting just before her 80th birthday.

That's about as sad as it gets, and I can see how such misery could mold Bennetts' way of thinking, but I'm not sure if her premise has anything to do with whether her grandmother worked and stuck her kids in daycare or not. Bennetts seems to imply through the story of her grandmother's suffering that most, if not all, married men are scumbags waiting for the next available pair of long legs in a push- up bra to rescue them from the pitfalls of fatherhood and the old ball and chain. She also doesn't mention the fact that having children is a huge financial risk…period! Forget Hubby and his fat wallet running off with a surgically enhanced blond bombshell. Children are expensive even for happily married couples with comfortable incomes.

Today, Ol' Granny could have had a nice, high- paying job and still been hurting when Grandpa ran off with the home wrecker. Daycare can cost upwards of $15,000 a year for one kid. Throw in a couple more kids, and suddenly Granny is working 50 hours a week just for childcare. Maybe, she's got a promising career, but she's still broke, tired, and lonely.

Bennetts says the feminine mistake is for women to give up their careers to raise their children. I submit the actual mistake is marrying a worthless, two- timing pitiful excuse for a human being. The issue is not whether moms stay at home or head off to the office. It's whether their marriage is worth a darn. If the marriage is good and strong. then none of this other stuff matters.

Don't seek career counseling. Seek marriage counseling. If the marriage is suspect from the beginning, then do us all a favor and don't have children!

Of course, if Ms. Bennetts or I could tell the future then we wouldn't have to write books or columns to make a living. Stuff happens, and some men and women stray even with a loving spouse and children at home, but that still doesn't make paranoia a good choice for our kids, our marriages, or us.

The happiest women (and men) I've seen are the ones who are allowed to make their own choices and their spouses supported those choices. Whether moms are paid for work or not, the best decisions about childcare come from strong marriages and communication, not suspicion and worry. Working for failure would be the worst mistake anyone could make.