Thirty- something speaks
Sacrificing my kids for the good of the environment

Mike Maddock

I just found out the best way I can help with this global warming thing is to eliminate one of my children. According to a story on www.news.com.au, the Optimum Population Trust, described as a "green think tank," released a paper that basically says, "If couples had two children, instead of three, they could cut their family's carbon dioxide output by the equivalent of 620 return flights a year between London and New York."

Well, I've got three children. That makes me worse than a lumberjack with a herd of cattle and a Hummer.

Apparently, if I had one child less, I could forget about recycling, keep the lights on all the time, build an Al Gore- ish, energy- guzzling mansion, and still wear tie- die and Birkenstocks without raising suspicion.

The problem is which kid do I choose? I mean I've kind of gotten attached to them all, but I don't want to be the one who caused the extermination of the Rocky Mountain Coldwater Creek Amoeba. I can't have that on my conscience. So I guess I'll have to decide for the good of the world. What's one kid when you're talking about that fragile ozone layer anyway?

Let's see…

I've got two girls and a boy. My first instinct is to get rid of the boy because men are responsible for most of the destruction of the world anyway, right? This planet doesn't need another truck- driving, Bambi- killing, cigar smoking, oil consuming cowboy, does it? My son may just have the environmental sense to chain himself to a 200' California redwood in the near future, but I don't think we can afford to take that chance.

What about my daughters? I would think the future loads of make- up, hair spray, and feminine hygiene products alone would be enough to save my son, but these are women (at least they will be), and we need women to keep the men straight. Of course, I only need one though. My one remaining daughter can make sure my son chains himself to that redwood tree.

So, which daughter do I choose? If it's strictly a numbers thing, then I guess the younger one would have to go, because we could save a couple precious years of carbon dioxide output, but she has vegetarian tendencies. My oldest daughter eats Chicken McNuggets like popcorn. Of course, I'm assuming McNuggets are actually made from chicken, but that's beside the point.

This decision is just too tough for a man like me. Such things should be left to the women in our lives. Only, I'm afraid my wife would decide to get rid of me, even if that didn't count in the eyes of the geniuses at the Optimum Population Trust. She'd work out the carbon dioxide discrepancies though. The family would only need one car with me out of the picture and the fast food packages left unused would be enough to save a glacier or two.

There you have it! I've just sacrificed myself for the good of the world. I thought carpooling and filling those little red street containers with empty milk jugs was enough, but apparently it's not. I'm just glad to do my part.