Thirty- something speaks
Don't make me use this cliché!

Mike Maddock

I love being a parent, but I never had any intention of sounding like one. The one thing about my kids that consistently gets under my skin is their bad habit of provoking the most unimaginable parental clichés out of my mouth.

This is the same mouth that once had more in common with Jack Sparrow and his pirate buddies than Ward Cleaver. I'm ashamed to admit it, but on the really bad days I can sound like Mommy Dearest, but to my credit, I haven't started screaming about wire hangers yet.

I have screamed other things though…

It's stuff like, "Because I said so," "One more word and I will stop this car!" and of course I overuse the almighty counting threat. I continue to be amazed at the counting threat's effectiveness, but there's something magical about counting aloud, "Ooone! Twooooo…" in a last ditch effort to regain control of the kids that never fails. I've never actually reached three. I've gotten dangerously close, but counting in a loud forceful voice always sends them scurrying.

I'm afraid my son will not know how to count past two or that he'll refuse to do so by the time he gets to kindergarten because he's scared to death of what will happen to him when he gets to three. His teacher may start counting, and he'll either dive under his desk or start cleaning the classroom. I can't worry about that though. He'll grow out of it.

As for me, this spiraling slippery slope of clichés will only get worse. My oldest isn't even out of elementary school, and I already sound like a television sitcom. It's only a matter of time before I start saying stuff like, "If you live under my roof, you're going to live by my rules."

Isn't it enough that I own a mini- van? Doesn't the fact that I know most of the lyrics to the High School Musical soundtrack count for something? I've accepted the sad truth I have more in common with Clark W. Griswold blowing through Walley World than Braveheart blowing through Scotland, but do I really have to give way to speech like this? "When I was your age, all I had to eat was salmon patties and chicken livers, and I ate them with a grateful smile on my face!"

I guess I'm doomed, but I can take heart in the fact that most parental clichés are around because they're time tested and they work. Admittedly, "because I said so" is a perfectly reasonable explanation for adults to give children. They'll get their explanation when they become parents, go without sleep for a few years, and wipe stuff off little bottoms that would send skunks scurrying for air fresheners.

Parenting is hard enough without being original. Besides, even if I am using the most tired and worn out parental phrases, all those sayings are new to my kids. In their minds, "Because I said so" has only been around as long as they have. I'm an original in their eyes, at least for now. I guess that's why they don't mind turning me into a cliché. They don't have a clue they're doing it.