Adopt- A- Homeless Person Project moves ahead
By Warner M. Montgomery Warner@TheColumbiaStar.com

The Capital City Adopt- A- Homeless Person Project is now accepting applications. All taxpaying citizens in Columbia are eligible to join in the winter fun.

During the harsh days of winter when the temperature drops below 32°, a city bus will round up all the homeless people shivering on city streets, in city parking garages and city parks, and under bushes in residential areas. These poor, unfortunate citizens of our sanctuary city will be transported to the new $1.5 million Austin/Coble Riverside Homeless Shelter next to the award- winning city water plant and the alligator- infested Columbia Canal.

Food, clothing, and shelter will be provided to these men, women, and children of the gutters. No preaching, evangelizing, or proselytizing will be allowed in the football field- sized Butler Building since this is a government project not a religious venture. Their bodies will be rescued, not their souls. Mayor Coble is uncommitted on whether mental health professionals will be allowed in the shelter.

The morning following the sleep- in, bright and early at 6 am, Columbia's most pitiful citizens will once again be loaded onto city buses. And here is the beauty of the project: Taxpaying citizens with voter registration cards, Social Security Cards, and homes may adopt a homeless person until the next freeze.

On the one- page application form, the adopting citizen may request a man, a woman, a child, or a complete family. The adoptee will be dropped off in the adopting citizens front yard. He or she may be invited in for a bath, breakfast, or a morning constitutional. Or they may be allowed their usual hose job in the bushes.

It is suggested that adopting citizens name their homeless person and add them to their health insurance policy. Doctors and dentists are encouraged to give free checkups to adoptees during this special period.

Richland School Districts One and Two have promised to admit any adoptee children provided they have full health certification and inoculations. Adoptee adults with high school diplomas will be allowed to enroll at Midlands Tech or USC until the next freeze.

Neighborhoods may apply for group adoptions. In this case, the neighborhood president must complete the Application Form and the Agreeing Neighbors attachment. A neighborhood may adopt up to 24 homeless people provided 24 homeowners sign the form.

Adopting citizens and neighborhoods will receive a large bright red H to place in a visible place. Homeless adoptees will be dropped off only where the H is able to be seen from the street.

Mayor Bob Coble and City Manager Charles Austin are hoping this project will be a success and will bring more homeless people into the city. As the mayor said, "These are unfortunate...uh, I mean...well, you know. It's like we need to think, that is, I know the citizens will...City Council has...and, sure I have six children, after all, it's a renaissance, um...whatever, you know what'm sayin'."