Thirty-something speaks
Pass the gravy!
Mike Maddock

I'm on my way to Hardees for one of those pork chop, bacon and egg biscuits with a side order of grease. I'll throw in a large Coke, and if that doesn't fill me up, then I'll grab a chocolate milkshake and some chili- cheese fries.

Why?

Because a government study recently said being 25 pounds overweight doesn't appear to raise the risk of dying from cancer or heart disease. Here I was feeling guilty about that cup of Moose Tracks I suck down every night, and it turns out my ice cream is health food. Well sort of…that study also says that those carrying a little excess baggage above the beltline were 40% less likely than skinny people to die from other things like emphysema, pneumonia, injuries and various infections. Well I say, "Pass the gravy and break out the elastic waist band!"

All this time I've been suffering through sit- ups, sucking wind on an elliptical machine, and slurping Slimfast to lose those last 10 pounds, when I should have been sitting on the couch, watching Oprah, and eating breakfast burritos to actually gain 15 more pounds. Of course, a new study will come out in a few days that says believing studies causes brain damage.

Who knows what to believe anymore? I grew up thinking alcohol was unhealthy. Now according to the experts if I don't drink two or three glasses of red wine daily, then my heart is much more likely to explode and my prostrate will start growing things. The experts are also saying all those vitamin pills I've been popping for years are about useless as my elliptical machine is now. The children's cough and cold medicine has also been deemed as effective as my elliptical machine by many of those same experts. Well that medicine has saved me many a sleepless night with my three little germ magnets. I guess my kids weren't included in that study.

I'm just glad research finally surfaced that doesn't make me feel guilty. I am a little upset I've wasted so much of my life suffering through sore muscles and synthetic chocolate appetite suppressants, but I am happy to know that if I go up a notch or two on my belt it won't kill me.

Actually, according to the study, I'm just improving my odds against heart disease and those various infections, but diabetes and kidney disease could still get me. I guess the news can't be all good, but I'm still going to eat myself into a food coma this Thanksgiving.

How does one become an expert anyway? The only thing these studies really continue to prove is that the so- called experts don't know much more than most grandmothers. Mine always called me "healthy" when I was less than svelte. When I didn't eat at least three helpings of her dressing, she asked my mom if I was feeling sick.

"You need some meat on those bones," she'd say. "Eat!"

While I used to think she was some sadistic old lady trying to get my stomach to explode, it turns out she was a lady ahead of her time looking out for my best interests.

I just need a study now that proves Cable TV makes you smarter, and random, unfortunately placed hairs make you more attractive.