Thirty-something speaks
Signs, signs, everywhere signs
Mike Maddock

Everyday I'm reminded I'm not getting any younger. Whether it's the brutal honesty of my children telling me I have that old man smell when I'm fresh out of the shower or when I forget where I'm going or where I've been in the car, life has a funny way of saying it's all down hill from here. I plan to enjoy the trip though, but I'm not on going alone. So here are a few clues that high school is a faint memory and AARP letters will soon start appearing in your mailbox… if they haven't already.

• Conversations with high school buddies involve more talk about "procedures" and strange pains than wild parties and old girlfriends. I recently rode with an old friend of mine from Columbia to a Carolina Panthers' game. By the time we got to Charlotte, we had swapped enough horror stories about long tubes and rubber gloves to permanently cure a hypochondriac.

• All the best music is on regular rotation at the classic rock radio station or worse, the only music recognizable is on the oldies station. That's why I listen to talk radio.

• A wild night consists of take- out Chinese food, ice cream, and a Planet Earth marathon on the Discovery Channel. It gets even wilder if any of the take- out has Kung Pao in the name and the bottle of Pepcid is empty.

• Dick Clark stays up later than you do. I haven't seen the New Year's Eve ball drop in Times Square for several years because I fall asleep on the couch at about 10 pm and your big celebration is a pancake breakfast the next day. The musical acts may change from year to year, but the ball drop and Dick Clark don't, so what are you really missing?

• High school kids start calling you "Sir." I know this is a show of respect but it's also a way of saying, "Hey Old Guy, I can slug a 32 ounce Mountain Dew, down three burritos, and eat a box of Oreos without any consequences! Can you?"

• Those Doans, Preparation H, and Metmucil television ads are no longer a source of amusement but a source of valuable information. Still, it's a shame bottles of aspirin and enough fiber to make a Pawley's Island hammock become the fifth food group when you start approaching 40.

• You can watch the MTV Awards and not recognize a single celebrity with the possible exception of the old, burned- out rockers receiving the lifetime achievement award. If you actually still know what channel MTV is on, then you're better off than I.

• New hair grows everywhere, but on your head. My wife thinks I'm a little obsessed about this subject. She'd think differently if the nose hair trimmers ever broke.

• You'd much rather have a minivan than a Porsche. I wouldn't kick a Porsche out of my driveway if someone gave it to me, but I must admit third row magic seating and a DVD entertainment system are much more attractive to me than 0 to 60 mph in 4.8 seconds and a six- speed manual gearbox right now.

Don't worry if this list describes all or part of you. You're not alone, Sir. I'll save you a spot on that Lazy Boy next to me and serve you a big glass of Metamucil. We can swap stories about prostate exams until we fall asleep in front of Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve.