Thirty- something speaks
The birds and the fleas
Mike Maddock

Dogs do things to each other. They don't really care who's watching, and they don't bother to seek the privacy of a hotel room or even a doghouse. Dogs sniff things and lick things. They even take practice runs at other things. This behavior is completely normal and expected. In fact, it's on the Discovery Channel practically every other night, but I can turn the Discovery Channel off with the push of a button. It's a little different when the dogs aren't on television and are smack dab in the middle of my living room.

Once again I find myself in the middle of a parental quandary. I should have had the forethought to realize bringing a second dog in a house with three young children could make such complex issues arise. To make matters worse, I brought a female Cocker Spaniel into the house with my male Bassett Hound.

The Bassett Hound has had the operation, but that doesn't seem to have curbed his enthusiasm for the new woman in the house. He licks her up and down like he's trying to get to a bubble gum center. She, of course, returns the favor. Sometimes it gets so bad I feel like we should have some cheesy 70s instrumental music playing in the background.

Fortunately, their actions are just a lot of four (legged) play at the current time, and I can explain it away as cleaning. Which is really what it is most of the time, but that doesn't make the licking any less disgusting. At least one of my children may be ready for the talk, but I know I'm not. I wish there was some way to put a stop to the driving force of nature…at least while my kids are watching, but that's like asking a turtle not to go in its shell or a politician to stop lying. It's just not going to happen.

So far, the questions from my children haven't been anything I can't handle, but I don't know how long "because he can" will suffice as an explanation. My wife and I have talked about letting the Cocker Spaniel have puppies eventually. Since we're not looking to create a Bassett Spaniel or Cocker Hound breed, we'll have to bring in a little help or send the little darling away for a day or two. How do we explain that?

My two girls still think the only role of the male species in this world is to kill bugs, take out the garbage, and annoy them in class. My son is still in pre- school and thinks babies come from long legged birds dressed like deliverymen. Explaining the Cocker Spaniel's need to go into heat and attract every red- blooded American dog from here to Augusta could be a bit traumatic for my kids to say the least.

Why couldn't my children just learn everything on the playground like I did? Sure, I lost my innocence on the monkey bars and a part of my childhood was destroyed on a swing set, but my parents didn't have to worry about any dogs putting on a show in the living room. They had it easy. They even tossed me a book to tie up the loose ends. I wonder where that book is?