It's not a criticism, it's an observation.
Extreme yard decorating
Mike Cox

The sister of the Woman Who's Garbage I'm Responsible For recently moved back to S.C. after a 25- year absence. One of the first things to come rushing back to her was how southerners love to accessorize their yards.

Christmas exposes the decorator in many of us. Halloween and Easter are gaining ground. The rules are simple: if you can buy it at Wal Mart then it's tasteful enough to expose the neighbors to. Whoever invented the inflatable snow globe with a reindeer merry go round inside is a genius. A sick, demented one, but a genius never the less.

If it moves, lights up, or draws attention to the double wide, we don't have a problem with it. The only confusing thing is the Easter habit of connecting the Resurrection of Our Lord with hanging bunnies in hedges. Does PETA not care about the symbolism? But we don't need holidays to show our decorative abilities.

Individualizing yards in the rural south has been popular since indoor toilets became plentiful, and people started looking for something to do with all the extra chamber pots. Hanging them from the front porch rafters with plants inside seemed like a great idea and set off an explosion of really weird decorations.

The first guy to cut an old truck tire in half and paint it white may have just been recycling, but this idea spread like a Paris sex tape. There are still a few of these in isolated places, but store- bought tasteless is taking over.

Entrepreneurs understand it's easy to get rich by taking advantage of our willingness to do something tacky. If you travel the blue highways like I do, you will be amazed at what you see.

Merchants sell plastic flowers to border a flower bed. They sell little porcelain deer, plaster birds, and squirrels to create a natural atmosphere. Black cutouts of the Marlboro man and granny bending over add shadowy suspense. There are all sorts of things with movable parts that come to life when the wind blows. You can even buy a fake rock to hide your well pump.

Most rural homeowners follow basic decorating trends, sticking to tried and true designs passed from generation to generation or something interesting in the outdoor section of the Dollar Store. But once in a while, a shining example of originality appears.

On Highway 6, between Swansea and St. Matthews, a front yard displays a full- size septic tank on a pedestal. Inside is a plaster figure with a handlebar mustache and large droopy cowboy hat, peering out. Only his head is visible above the sides of the septic tank. "Why" is an unanswerable question.

The only thing I came up with is an extreme dislike for the people next door. Or maybe he is really competitive. Less than a mile down the road is an exact replica of Earnhardt's mid- 90s black Monte Carlo sitting in the front yard, a shrine to the legendary Man in Black. When the competition is tough you have to rise to another level.