Thirty-something speaks
Kleenex is not Russian for "Use your sleeve."
Mike Maddock

Some historians believe Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte was the first to place buttons on the sleeves of coats so that his soldiers would not wipe their noses and mouths on their sleeves. It's kind of hard to have a clean military force that uses its uniforms like Kleenex. The buttons served as a deterrent, but may have led to the little General's downfall.

Fighting in all that snow and cold weather would have made for many runny noses and low morale.

I could understand a French soldier's frustration after the fourth or fifth scrape with the newly installed buttons. "Lighten up little man! It's - 20 degrees out here, and those Russians are trying to blow my head off! I'm sorry if searching for a tissue is not high on my priority list right now!"

It's no wonder some say Napoleon was poisoned.

My kids don't have an impending Russian army as an excuse; however, using a napkin is apparently not a priority for them either. Each time I remind them that nice clean napkins are laying beside their dinner plates, all I hear is, "Oops! I forgot."

I'm with Napoleon in that I don't think God intended for us to treat our clothing and the backs of our hands as handkerchiefs, but I'm pretty sure nasal fluids and scraps of food are the last thing a soldier is worried about dirtying up his uniform. A fighting man has more to worry with than tissues and paper towels. The only thing my kids are fighting is each other, so I'm pretty sure they can put forth a little extra effort and grab those napkins.

It's not that I'm obsessed with cleanliness. This is more of an obsession with extra work. I mean it's a heck of a lot easier to toss a well- used napkin in the trash than it is to clean spaghetti off a sweatshirt. I'm also trying to fight a gag reflex. There's nothing worse than discovering a shirt all stuck together in a crunchy mess, because it spent the day on a runny nosed pre- schooler next to an unopened box of Kleenex. That's just not right.

Charmin, Brawney, and Kleenex are among the greatest inventions in the world right along with remote controls and automobile DVD players. Why can't I my get kids to understand this?

There is hope. My oldest child seems to have grown out of the sticky arms phase, but my other children just keep on wiping with those arms, hands, and sleeves. But they aren't alone. Napoleon may have poisoned himself if he had spent any time in a pre- school. The use of Kleenex for anything other than paper tissue flowers is as foreign to many pre- schoolers as the Russian language.

My youngest daughter, who does not have the excuse of being a pre- schooler, says she's doing her part to save the environment by not using napkins. The problem is she's giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "Going green."